There's a Dragon in my Toilet! Read online

  For my mum – T.N.

  For Pops – S.H.

  CONTENTS

  TITLE PAGE

  DEDICATION

  CHAPTER 1

  PAN THE PARTY PLANNER

  CHAPTER 2

  CRACKING THE DRAGON CODE

  CHAPTER 3

  DEAR MUM AND DAD…

  CHAPTER 4

  CATCHING UP

  CHAPTER 5

  WAITING

  CHAPTER 6

  HELLO, GOODBYE

  CHAPTER 7

  GETTING TO KNOW YOU

  CHAPTER 8

  THE MEXICAN STAND-OFF

  CHAPTER 9

  AN UNEXPECTED GIFT

  CHAPTER 10

  FAMILY REUNION

  CHAPTER 11

  THE CASE FOR PAN TO STAY

  CHAPTER 12

  DOWN THE PAN

  EXTRACT FROM ‘THERE’S A DRAGON IN MY DINNER’

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  ABOUT THE ILLUSTRATOR

  COPYRIGHT

  “Echo-Romeo-India-Charlie, I have eyes on the objective. The chickens are in the hen house. I repeat, the chickens are in the hen house.”

  I looked blankly at the walkie-talkie in my hand. We didn’t have a hen house. Or chickens. I clicked the button to talk. “Pan, what are you on about?” I asked.

  Even above the noise of all the people gathered behind me in my living room, I could hear Pan sighing on the other end. “It’s code, Eric,” he said. “Honestly, are Mini-Dragons the only ones who know how to use walkie-talkies properly?”

  “No, but not everyone gets to hang around the house all day learning stuff from old cop movies,” I said.

  “Fine. The message is: your parents are here,” he said. “And now that I’ve finished being lookout, can I come downstairs?”

  “In a couple of minutes,” I said. “Come down once they’re inside. I’ll meet you in the hall and then you can hide in my pocket.”

  “Ah, the glamorous life of a Mini-Dragon,” said Pan.

  I turned to face the room. “All right, everyone, it’s time,” I shouted before switching off the lights.

  There was silence, followed by the sound of the front door opening, footsteps walking through the hall, the opening of the door, the clicking of the light switch, then:

  “Arrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!” screamed Mum.

  “Arrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!” screamed Dad.

  “Mum, Dad, relax! It’s OK!” I said.

  “Eric?” said Mum, her fright turning to confusion. “What is all this?”

  I glanced back at the dozens of people in our living room wearing party hats, the balloons scattered everywhere, the brightly coloured gift boxes piled in a corner and the huge ‘Happy Anniversary’ banner draped from the ceiling.

  I thought it was kind of obvious.

  “It’s a surprise party,” I said.

  “Oh, right,” said Mum, nodding slowly. “For who?”

  I slapped my forehead. “For you and Dad, of course. Happy twentieth wedding anniversary!”

  “HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!” bellowed everyone behind me.

  My parents stared at each other in shock.

  “Well,” said Dad. “It’s certainly a surprise.”

  “You have Eric to thank for that,” said my Auntie Ruth, appearing next to me. She had been looking after us while Mum and Dad were out. “Organized the whole thing himself.”

  My parents’ heads turned sharply back towards me. They looked even more surprised than before.

  “This was all you?” asked Dad, unable to hide the doubt in his voice.

  He was right to be doubtful, of course. I hadn’t organized this by myself. In fact, I’d hardly done any of it. I just happened to be good friends with a Mini-Dragon. And Mini-Dragons are excellent at party planning.

  The whole idea had been Pan’s to begin with. Once he’d found out that my parents’ anniversary was coming up, he had been like a Mini-Dragon possessed. I think maybe he wanted to do something nice for them to try and make up for all the trouble he had caused since his arrival. Or maybe it was just because he had enjoyed my last birthday party so much. Now that was a good party, though hopefully this time we could avoid firing anyone into a tree in a rocket-powered scooter.

  Pan’s party planning had consisted of:

  Of course I could hardly tell my parents that a Mini-Dragon had arranged their party, so I smiled and nodded, taking all the credit.

  “But … how did you afford everything?” said Mum, looking panicked. “Tell me you’ve not been using our credit cards?”

  “I’ve not been using your credit cards,” I said, rolling my eyes.

  “Of course he hasn’t, Maya,” said Auntie Ruth. “We all chipped in.”

  “Oh,” said Mum. “Well … I don’t know what to say. Thank you, Eric. This is lovely.”

  I could see her eyes beginning to well up and I knew what was coming next. She wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me to within an inch of my life, then planted a massive kiss on my face.

  “Yeah, nice one, son,” said Dad, punching me affectionately on the arm.

  Suddenly a flash of light almost blinded us.

  “Pic-ture,” said Posy, my two-and-a-half-year-old sister, wielding her new favourite toy – a kid’s camera that my auntie Ruth had bought her.

  She was obsessed with it, always popping up when you least expected it to take a photo. It was a bit of a nuisance, especially as I had to check it all the time in case she snapped Pan. Usually it was OK because Mini-Dragons can freeze themselves if they sense danger so mostly he just looked like a toy. But she was sneakier than you’d expect a toddler to be and the camera also had a video mode, so I couldn’t take any chances. On this occasion however I was only too happy to pose for Posy. She took one of me, Mum and Dad, and then Auntie Ruth took one of the four of us.

  Pictures out of the way, I left my parents to mingle with the rest of our friends and family. The Blooms, our next-door neighbours, had turned up, too. Mr Bloom was like a bigger version of his son Toby – the same curly hair, the same bright red cheeks and the same appetite. Together they had taken the buffet table hostage, the pair of them busy stuffing their faces with prawn crackers (well, I had to let Pan order some, didn’t I?). Mrs Bloom stood next to them dressed in something my mum called a ‘Power Suit’, which isn’t nearly as exciting as it sounds. Unlike her family, Mrs Bloom showed no interest in the buffet, or anything else for that matter other than the phone she was tapping away on.

  “Mini-Dragons sure know how to throw a party,” said Jayden, appearing at my side, with Min.

  “Yeah … they … sure … do,” she panted. “Sorry … cycled … over … here … as quickly … as I … could … after your … parents left. Where is … Pan, anyway?”

  “Surely you let him come?” said Jayden. “After he put in so much work?”

  “Of course,” I said. “As if I could stop him even if I wanted to. He was going to come down and hide in my pocket once my parents arrived. I’ll go and get him.”

  I walked out to the hall, where we’d arranged to meet, but there was no sign of Pan.

  “That’s weird,” I said, stepping back into the living room. “He’s not there.”

  “Give him a shout,” suggested Jayden, pointing towards my walkie-talkie.

  “Right, yeah,” I said, clicking the call button. “Pan. Are you coming? Pan?”

  There was no reply.

  The three of us looked at each other with the same anxious expression on our faces. I could tell we were all thinking the same thing. Pan wasn’t the type of Mini-Dragon to take his time joining a party. To be honest, I don’t know if there is a type of Mini-Dragon who does like to take their t
ime, but Pan definitely isn’t one of them.

  It was time to start worrying.

  “Where could he be?” asked Min.

  I already knew the answer to that. Whenever Pan went missing, the same person was always involved.

  “Where is he?” I said, storming up to Toby.

  “Mmph?” said Toby, a sausage roll sticking out of his mouth.

  “Eric!” bellowed Toby’s dad. “Good to see you, lad. Always a pleasure to see Toby’s best pal. Isn’t that right, Margery?”

  Mrs Bloom’s eyes flickered from her phone screen to me for a second before she resumed her tapping.

  “He’s not my best pal,” said Toby, visibly insulted by the idea. “Eric’s like my nemesis.”

  Mr Bloom laughed. “Ha. Listen to him, Eric. Nemesis, my foot! He’s always going on about you. Tells us whenever you get something new and begs us to buy him the same thing. Between you and me, I think he looks up to you.”

  “Gah! Shut up!” snapped Toby, his face bright red. Before his dad could speak again, Toby grabbed a tray of sausage rolls with one hand and me with the other and led me across the room.

  “What do you want?” he asked, stuffing another sausage roll into his mouth.

  “Now, Toby,” I said. “That’s no way to talk to your hero, is it?”

  Toby shot me a fierce look. “Very funny, Crispo,” he said.

  “The Mini-Dragon,” I said. “Where is he?”

  Toby removed the sausage roll. “What, you mean the toy you never let me borrow even though I always promise to bring it back? How should I know?”

  “Because whenever he goes missing, you’re the one behind it,” I said. I could feel the anger rising in my face.

  “He?” said Toby. “I know it’s realistic, with its talking and flame-farting, but you’re talking about this toy like it’s real. You’re losing it, Crispo.”

  “Come on, Eric, let’s go,” said Min as she and Jayden came over and pulled me away.

  “But he’s got—” I began.

  “I don’t think he does,” said Jayden. “Toby’s a rubbish liar. I think he’s telling the truth.”

  “Hey!” protested Toby. “I’m a great liar, actually. Maybe I really do have your stupid toy.”

  I looked at Toby carefully for a moment then turned to Jayden. “Yeah, you’re right, he doesn’t have him.”

  “Yes, I do!” said Toby as we walked away.

  “Where can he be, then?” I asked, ignoring Toby.

  “Let’s split up,” said Min. “I’ll check out in the street. Jayden, you look around the party, make sure he hasn’t decided to mingle with the guests. Eric, you search the rest of the house.”

  I nodded, then left the others and went to check the kitchen first.

  No luck. I was about to head upstairs when Pusskin, our over-sized, over-pampered, over-evil cat wandered past me.

  “Pusskin,” I said suspiciously. “You haven’t seen Pan, have you?”

  Being a cat, Pusskin didn’t reply. Instead she looked at me with total disdain, stuck her nose in the air and wandered off to the kitchen. I knew Pusskin hated Pan – and had once tried to eat him – but ever since almost having her whiskers burnt off, she seemed to have lost interest.

  Just to be sure though, I quickly checked the cupboard under the stairs where Pan sometimes hid from her. Nothing.

  I was starting to panic. I mean, it wasn’t like we could just put up a Missing Poster:

  I opened my bedroom door and breathed a sigh of relief – Pan was curled up on my bed. But his walkie-talkie was lying on the floor and he looked miserable.

  “Pan … are you all right?” I asked.

  He looked up, as if he hadn’t heard me come in. “Hi, Eric,” he said quietly. “Yeah, I’m OK, just feeling a bit run-down, that’s all. I was on the way downstairs when I saw your parents and the rest of your family and suddenly … I don’t know, I felt a bit funny. Think I just need a good sleep.”

  “Oh,” I said. “You’re not coming to the party, then.”

  “No,” he said, closing his eyes. “Think I’ll give it a miss, if it’s all the same to you.”

  “Of course,” I said. “Hope you feel better soon.”

  “I’m sure I wi—” said Pan, his voice trailing off as he fell asleep. I took out the small facecloth that Pan had been using as a blanket from my sock drawer and placed it over him.

  I quietly left the room, meeting Min and Jayden on the landing.

  “You found him?” asked Min.

  I nodded.

  “Is he all right?” asked Jayden, looking concerned.

  “Yeah,” I said. “I think he’s just a bit tired from organizing everything. He’ll be fine in the morning.”

  That’s what I was trying to convince myself, anyway.

  It was two days later, the first Monday of the school holidays, and Min, Jayden and I were back in my room, watching Pan. He was lying on my bed again, staring at the wall, the gloomiest expression filling his tiny dragon face.

  Jayden waved his hand in front of Pan. No reaction.

  “What’s wrong with him?” whispered Min.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “He’s been like this since the party. He sleeps in his drawer all night then spends all day on my bed. Sometimes he sleeps, but mostly he just lies there. Hardly says a thing.”

  “He looks like you’ve told him he has to go and live with Toby,” said Jayden.

  “He’s not even touched his food,” noted Min, pointing at the two unopened bags of prawn crackers beside him.

  Pan let out a yawn.

  “Is he ill?” asked Jayden.

  “I’m not sure,” I said. “Maybe.”

  “Have you consulted the Encyclopaedia Dragonica?” asked Min.

  I jumped up. “Min, you’re a genius,” I said.

  Min shrugged. “Yeah, I get that a lot.”

  The Encyclopaedia Dragonica is the ultimate guide to all things dragon. It’s full of amazing facts like:

  Pulling the huge book out from under my bed, I began flicking through the pages.

  “Dragon illnesses, ailments and diseases,” I said. “OK, let’s see. What are his symptoms?”

  Min put her hand on Pan’s head. “He feels a bit warm,” she said.

  “I think that’s normal,” I said. “He does breathe fire after all.”

  “He’s looking a bit green,” noted Jayden.

  “He’s a green dragon,” I said, rolling my eyes.

  “More green, I mean,” said Jayden. “Don’t you think?”

  “I’m not sure,” I said, “but he’s definitely tired and leff … leff… That thing where he moves like he’s half asleep.”

  “Lethargic?” Min suggested.

  “Yes, that’s it,” I said. “There must be something in here about lethargic dragons. Ah, here we go.”

  Jayden, Min and I looked at each other.

  “Well, it can’t be that,” said Jayden. “Pan has plenty of companionship. He’s got us, hasn’t he? How much more companionship does he need?”

  Min rolled her eyes. “Don’t you get it?” she said. “Family and friendship.”

  “He’s homesick,” I said, lifting Pan up and placing him gently on my knee. “Is that it, Pan?”

  My Mini-Dragon remained silent.

  “Pan,” I said.

  “Pan,” I said again.

  “Pan.”

  “Pan.”

  “Pan.”

  “Pan.”

  “What?” said Pan at last.

  “Pan,” I said gently, relieved to hear him speak. “We’re just wondering if the reason you’re a bit sad is because you’re homesick?”

  Pan shook his head. “No way,” he said in a dull voice. “Mini-Dragons are excellent at not being homesick.”

  “It would make sense if you were,” I said. Pan’s family lived in the mountains in China and he hadn’t seen them for months. “Maybe seeing my family at the party made you realize how much you miss your mum
and dad.”

  Pan seemed to think this over. “Perhaps a little,” he admitted.

  “Don’t your parents have any way of contacting you?” asked Min.

  “Well, yeah, but through my aunt and uncle,” said Pan. “Only adult Mini-Dragons know how to use dragon codes.”

  Me, Jayden and Min looked blankly at each other.

  “Dragon codes?” I asked.

  Pan nodded. “Every Mini-Dragon family has one. It’s a way for Mini-Dragons all over the world to communicate with each other. Each code is unique, but they all follow the same pattern – two parts separated by a curled-up Mini-Dragon.”

  “Do you know yours?” asked Jayden.

  “Yes,” said Pan. “I’ve seen it a few times. But it’s not much use to me because, like I said, only adult Mini-Dragons know how to decipher them.”

  I reached for a notepad and the smallest pencil to hand. “Pan, do you think you could draw your dragon code for us anyway?”

  Pan took the pencil from me, grasping it with both hands. It looked massive sandwiched between his two claws, and he struggled just to draw a straight line. Eventually he gave up, tossing the pencil away. He picked up the piece of paper, took a breath, then blew out a small blast of fire. The three of us jumped back in fright. Pan held up the paper. Scorched on to it was the following:

  Min, Jayden and I stared at the page for what seemed like ages, our mouths hanging open.

  “I told you,” said Pan. “It’s gibberish.”

  Jayden raised his eyebrows. “Who wants to tell him?” he said.

  “Pan, that’s an email address,” I said.

  “A what?” asked Pan.

  Min put her hands over her eyes. “I don’t get it,” she said. “How can someone who knows so much possibly not know what an email address is?”

  “It’s not that unusual,” said Jayden. “My parents are exactly the same.”